Courage comes in many forms
by evildragon503
Summary: Sometimes the demons in our mind are stronger than hope. Dean holds onto Seamus even though Seamus may not want him to. Warning: suicide attempt
1. In dark places

_**Warning: suicide attempt, dark**_

* * *

**In dark places…**

_"Fat."_

_"Ugly."_

_"Not worthy of living."_

_"It would have been better if you had never been born."_

A tear ran down Seamus' cheek as he recalled his father's words on the top of one of Hogwarts towers.

He had known that it had been a mistake to spend Christmas time at his parents place instead of staying in the castle.

But maybe in the end it had not been so bad.

Seamus wiped the tears away but his cheek stayed damp.

Looking at his hands, he smiled in a sad and desperate way. They were covered in blood from where he had cut himself earlier.

He did not bother to wipe them clean, the wounds were still bleeding. His hands would soon be covered again.

He took in the cold air. Tomorrow the classes would start and he would have to pretend again. Pretend that he was happy and that he cared.

He stepped closer to the edge and looked over it. In the distance he could see the Quidditch pitch and Hagrid's hut. Directly beneath him was the empty ground. Only a few bushes.

It would be a lie to say he had never thought of suicide but he had never thought it through. Partly because he was such a coward. His father reminded him of that every time he got the chance to.

His father was right though.

He was not as brave as Harry who defeated the Dark Lord more than once or as Ron who stood by Harry's side no matter what.

Mr Finnigan had always doubted his son's belonging in Gryffindor and Seamus did too.

But his cowardice was not the only reason.

The other part why Seamus had held on for so long, kept dragging himself through the days was Dean.

Seamus always had had the feeling that Dean cared about him but now he was sure this had been a lie. He had been blind or maybe he had imagined an excuse for not ending his live.

Dean did not care about him at all. He did not care if he lived or died.

Earlier Seamus finally had had the courage to talk to Dean, to tell him about his dad but Dean had shut him out.

A small sob left Seamus lips, as he recalled the memory of his best friend.

Dean had simply looked past Seamus red eyes and pale skin and had told him they would talk later because he had been looking for Ginny.

Seamus could not really find it in his heart to blame Dean. Of course Ginny was more important than he was. He was nothing. Not important.

Seamus closed his eyes as a sentence formed inside his head.

Nobody would miss you.

Maybe it would be better if he just ended it. Maybe he would find peace.

Seamus stepped even closer to the edge and if he did not clutch the wall he would have fallen.

Seamus took a deep breath. He could finally live up to his house. He was no longer a coward.

"Goodbye Dean", he mumbled into the cold night and let go of the wall.

Before the sensation of falling set in, a sharp pain exploded in his wrists and he was yanked back.

"No", Seamus screamed and tried to fight but whoever had a held on him was stronger.

"Seamus", said a voice but Seamus could not make out who it was.

"Let me go", begged Seamus, with tears streaming down his face but the stranger did not let go and Seamus screamed his lungs out. He tried to punch the person but he realized that the blood lost had weakened him.

"Please", he whispered.

"I won't let you go. Never", said the voice and Seamus broke down completely. He buried his face in what he thought was the chest of the stranger and cried. He could not hold the sobs in anymore.

To Seamus it felt like he was falling into a thousand pieces but somehow this stranger was holding him together at the same time.

It felt good.

He did not know how long he cried but what felt like hours he closed his eyes and he knew no more.

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**I wish you a (late) happy christmas**


	2. there is hope

**… there is hope**

Slowly Seamus came to.

Above his head he saw the characteristical ceiling of the hospital wing. He had woken up here far too often to not recognize it. Mostly due to his exploding accidents but this time he did not remember any exploding.

So why was he here?

"Seamus?" a voice suddenly called him. Seamus looked up and saw his best friend sitting by his bed.

"Dean? Everything ok?" he wanted to know because Dean looked awful. Although Dean was dark skinned, Seamus knew him long enough to know he was pale. His eyes were red and Seamus could spot dark circles under them, like he had not slept in some time.

Dean looked at him with sad eyes then looked at Seamus wrists.

Slightly confused Seamus followed his glaze and saw that his wrists were tightly bandaged.

"Why didn't you tell me?" asked Dean with tears in his eyes.

And with that all came back to Seamus. His father's words, cutting himself and being ready to end his life. Also the realization hit him that this stranger on the tower had not been a stranger at all. It had been Dean.

Seamus looked at the blanket and could not meet Dean's eyes.

This had been also one of the reasons why he had never thought his suicide through. Why he was sort of afraid of suicide.

What would happen if he did not succeed?

His father would think he was even more of a failure than he had already thought. His mother would not say anything but secretly would agree with his father.

"Seamus?" said Dean but Seamus could not meet his eyes.

"Madam Pomfrey wanted to inform your parents" told him Dean and Seamus could not suppress a flinch.

"I asked her not to. I guess I was right."

"Thank you" mumbled Seamus barley hearable but Dean heard him anyway.

"You don't have to tell me why you did it if you don't want to" here Dean's voice broke. He had to clear his throat a couple of times before he could continue.

"I just want you to know that I care. I care about you and I am going to there for you."

Seamus finally looked up and saw Dean smiling.

"Thank you Dean" he said and tried to smile back but could not.

Seamus had lived in darkness for too long, to let himself be fooled by hope. He had had those rays of hope before but every time the darkness in his mind had consumed them. Leaving him more desperate than before.

But those last times he had been alone. This time Dean knew, told Seamus a part of his mind.

"Shay?" Dean asked and Seamus turned his attention back to his best friend.

"Could you promise me one thing?" Dean said and Seamus nodded reluctantly.

"If you have to urge to cut again or if you … want to stand on the tower again don't do it. Come to me instead and we talk" Dean said and laid his hand on one of Seamus' bandaged wrists.

"Or I'll do the talking if you don't feel like talking."

"I am going to help you through this" Dean promised and this time Seamus managed a smile.

A small smile but a smile nonetheless.

"Ok" he answered.

Maybe, just maybe, if Seamus held on to the ray of hope it would stay this time. With Dean's help.

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_**I wish you guys in advance a happy new year. May all your dreams come true.** _

**_Don't give up!_**


End file.
